Precious Memories

Lately, I've been inundated with thoughts of our Angel Princess Tater Tot.  It's hard to believe that in February of next year it will have been 4 years since she recieved her eternal healing.

As the months, and now years, have passed, I've found ways to cope in her absence. I'd be lying if I said that being without her earthly presence has gotten "easier." I spend a lot of time remembering the things that made her who she was (and still is in my mind). . .a "fighter."

Often times, people get so caught up in so much that really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things.  When I think of how I get impatient in traffic, or frustrated about what to wear, and all of the other trivial things I can get bent out of shape over; I realize that at end of the day, those things mean nothing.  What meant something to me was my Princess Tater Tot. I miss her.  I miss her so much. . . . Who cares about traffic and what to wear right?!? If only. . .

I've learned during my 37 years on this earth that for everything, there is a reason.  I don't understand sometimes what they are, but I know that they exist.  God in His infinite wisdom has a plan. While I don't think that He wanted to see me grieve and long for my daughter to be back in my arms, I do believe that He knew how I could use my grief to glorify Him.  Everyone has an appointed time to die and for my sweet Princess it was her time, for whatever the reason.  I envy her.  Her world is now perfect. I just miss her. 

I pray that in my daily walk I can use what I have learned and experienced raising, loving and advocating for my princess to someone else's advantage.  If I can make someone else's journey a little more tolerable, at least I know that my grief isn't in vain. I will forever carry my Angel Princess Tater Tot in my heart.  She owns a part of my soul.

May you walk around heaven all day my Princess! Mommy loves you dearly!

I said it and I mean it!

Today, I was thinking about what drives me to follow through with the commitments I make to myself and others.  Personal integrity, among other things, pushes me to stay true to the commitments I make and my sense of personal responsibility makes it very difficult to walk away without giving it my all.

The reason this has been on my mind has a lot to do with how I use social networking, but the concept applies in all areas of life.  For example, I am sure that the people who are my "friends" on twitter and facebook wonder why I post my workouts to my news feed.  Some could care less, but others, notice and even comment or "like" my post. For me, its about accountability. . . . personal accountability.  Its easy for me to say to myself, "I need to start working out and I'm going to start on Monday." However, if I say it out loud and to my "friends," I make myself accountable for that which I say.  It pushes me to stay true to my commitment to workout and lose weight.  It drives me even when I don't want/feel like doing it. Knowing that someone, is/may be following my example, keeps me going. I hope and pray that I have set a good example for someone.

So often, people refuse to commit because they don't want to be held accountable.  Thus, so many important works go undone.  Fear of commitment, can stem from many emotions from fear to anxiety. However, the fact still remains that the work must go on.

I, for one, plan to DO more and you heard it here first.  I SAID IT AND I MEAN IT!

Queen, IBCLC!!!!

Breastmilk is the best nutrition for babies! I believe this wholeheartedly and for years I have been working in the community and at the hospital supporting moms with breastfeeding.  It's been a goal of mine to become an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant for years and I am proud to say that on Friday, October 28, 2011, while nursing the princess (how fitting), I received notice that I PASSED MY EXAM!!! I am now, Queen, RN, IBCLC!!!!! I am soooooo excited! I am so grateful to the people that have supported me and allowed me to help them with breastfeeding, thereby gaining experience to get to where I am today!

On another note, have I mentioned how much I love my kiddos?! Prince Bossy Smurf has been extremely cute lately as he develops his personality more and more.  This week, I spoke to him saying, "Hey Buddy!" to which he promptly pointed at his chest and said, "No, I Prince Bossy Smurf!" (Of course he used his real name but still cute all the same!)  A couple of weeks ago, Prince Mookie had an episode at school where he told someone to "shut-up" and we had to talk with him about how that was inappropriate.  Today, after he got home from school, he came upstairs and said, "Hey mom! I didn't tell anyone to shut-up!" and went about his merry way! Prince Scholar brought home a pretty good report card for his first year in middle school! And . . . the Chocolate Princess is already 11 1/2 pounds and is the sweetest little baby! Again, I LOVE MY KIDS!!!

I've been working hard on rescuing Queen Foxy Brown from Queen Big Momma's grip and I think I've done well this past week.  I've been eating healthy (South Beach healthy eating of course) and exercising.  This Saturday, I ran with BGR (Black Girls Run!) and had my sidekicks "Sunflower," "Honey," and "Cocoa" with me! All of us were doing C25k W4 except "Sunflower" who does her own thing. It was a nice run and thankfully wasn't a huge hill like "The Beast" we ran two weeks prior.  At the end of the run, we were preparing to leave and "Cocoa" was telling someone that we were running with the group BGR and stated, "Big Girls Run," instead of "Black Girls Run!" Hmmmmmmm, I suppose technically, I'm a big girl but dang "Cocoa!" Look out Saturday mornings because the BBGR's (Big Black Girls Run) are on the move!!!!!  ;-)

Pretty Woman!

Last night I geared up for my first run of the week, Couch to 5k, Week 4 day 1.  I really didn't want to go but I knew I NEEDED to.  I've been eating terribly and I feel horrible.  I've gained weight SINCE I gave birth and my eyes see "horrible" when I look in the mirror sometimes.  Since the Princess was born, a couple of people have commented, "You look good!"  In my mind, I wonder, "Why do people lie? And right to my face!"  Then, I remind myself that when I look at others and pay a compliment, I genuinely mean it.  I have to tell myself that others don't look at me and scrutinize every flaw they see.  The mind can be a powerful thing can't it?!

Nonetheless, I took off running last night in the dark and as I did, the music began playing from my playlist.  The first words I heard were:

"Pretty woman, walking down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
Pretty woman, I don't believe you
You're not the truth, no one could look as good as you!"

MAN! Talk about a spirit boost! For a moment, I just knew ol' Al Green was talking directly to me!  I may be "Fluffilicious" right now and "Big Momma" may be holding "Foxy Brown" captive, but by golly I AM STILL A PRETTY WOMAN! I am just striving to be a healthier me!

Signed,

Pretty Woman

Close your eyes and relax . . .

.....unless you're running!

Today, I was a little less than enthusiastic about my run.  I've mentioned before that running is definitely a mental thing and sometimes I have to have some serious conversations in my head to keep going.  During my run this afternoon, I really wanted to stop and for a brief second.  I blinked for a little longer than usual and thought to myself, "That felt really good and relaxing. I should just close my eyes and . . ." DUUUH!  You can't close your eyes and run right! RIGHT!  It was nothing short of a blessing that I opened my eyes and noticed the big pole in front me not two feet away!  The whole process happened in a matter of seconds, but I swear that two seconds felt like a few minutes.  That's just how bad I wanted to keep my eyes closed. The situation could have ended far worse and I could have run right into the massive pole in front of me, tripped or anything! 

I laughed about it and completed the remainder of my C25k run thinking of the possibilities.  It was quite distracting from the work of the run and that was welcome!

Running, it's a mind thing!

I am so proud of myself!!!

This morning, reluctantly, I got up at 5:00 a.m., fed baby Princess and headed out the door to meet the local chapter of "Black Girls Run!" for a run. I was both excited and intimidated.  I knew that the group would also be running with people preparing for the local marathon runners for 2012, and I am no where near ready for a marathon!

I met up with a group of girls I've known for years (so glad they too, are working on getting fit and fabulous) in a VERY HILLY area of town.  There were so many people there ready take off when I arrived!  These people are serious about their running.  They had headlights (literally), blinkers, belts with water bottles attached and more!  I'd seen all of these running gadgets before but . . .WOW! I suppose I was gadget girl with my Droid, iPod, and Spibelt all strapped on and ready to go, but some of these folks far "out-gadgeted me!"

Considering I am finishing up Week 2 of C25k, I knew some of them I wouldn't see again after we took off.  I was happy however that I had "Cocoa," "Sunflower," "Honey," and "Mocha" to run along side me.  I think we all felt pretty proud that we were out there with some serious runners.  Luckily three of us were on the same workout of C25k, and that was a plus considering I was the only one with the app on my iPod to prompt us when to walk and run.  With much enthusiasm, we took off!  Sunflower and Mocha took off since they were not doing the C25k program, while Cocoa, Honey and myself diligently followed the instructions of my handy dandy iPod.

It wasn't long before we were all wondering what in the world we had gotten ourselves into!  The hills were steep!  VERY STEEP!  We were so happy when we were running initially because we had a very long downhill stretch; and then it happened . . . Cocoa, Honey and I came to the realization that that lovely hill that we were enjoying running down, had to get us back UP to where we started! I could have sworn Cocoa wanted to cry about that dumb hill and truth be told so did I.  I tried not to indicate my dismay so I kept telling myself that it was just a hill and that I could conquer it!  After all, I think running is more mental than anything. There were times when we had to go back and forth to catch up with one another but in the end, we stuck it out and all five of us ended up together, defeating the beast . . .that dreaded hill!  During our "cool" down walk up the hill, I said to Honey, "Let's run!"  I am sure that she wanted to push me into to the road but instead she told me, "Nuh-Uh, I ain't running!"  I laughed.  I was only kidding but the look on her face was priceless!

I truly enjoyed the run and the company even more so.  I am so ashamed to admit that I did all of that running this morning only to go to the State Fair this evening and consume a polish sausage, funnel cake and virgin peach daiquiri!  One of these days, I'll get completely back on track.  Until then, "Queen Foxy Brown" will continue to try and break free from "Big Momma!"

Uh-Oh!

It's no secret to those that know us that the Royal's are musically inclined. We love singing.  Were not so good at dancing though . . .or so I thought.

My King and I were watching X Factor and one of the contestants performed his song to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" background.  Prince "Bossy Smurf" was playing with some of his luggage, busying himself as usual.  During the commercial break, Prince "Bossy Smurf" puts the luggage down and starts walking . . . no DANCING past us in his own world singing, "Uh-oh, uh-oh, no-no" repeatedly. Occasionally, he'd dip and keep right on singing, and at the end of his rendition, he lifts his shirt up exposing his fatigues (yes, he has fatigue undies), to which my King yells for him to put his shirt down! While I don't condone his exhibitionism, I must admit, I enjoyed his performance much better than the guy on X Factor's!  Looks like we Royal's have our very own dancing entertainer in Prince "Bossy Smurf!" Let's just hope he keeps his shirt on!

Good Grief . . .

In life, we grieve for far more than death. Sometimes, it's the loss of a job, a relationship, health or anything of value that when lost, we feel a void, suffering, distress, pain or sorrow. 

In my life, I have had my share of grief.  Before the age of 21, I had witnessed the deaths of my father and both sets of my grandparents. In my twenties, I lost classmates and an uncle.  In my thirties, I've buried one of my children at the tender age of nine; and lost an aunt and a little over a week ago an another uncle.  I've watched my "King" be severed from one job and on the brink of another severance.  I've watched Princess "Fly Away" chose a path that I wouldn't necessarily have chosen for her and in the process, I've grieved the loss of certain milestones for her, my firstborn.

Grief has its purpose in life, and while it stings, it pushes us to deal with the realities of our situation.  Sometimes, so much is taken for granted and when there's a loss, things are put into perspective.  The things that seemed so important aren't important and things that were taken for granted are then appreciated, even if a little too late. During this process, we learn a little more about who we are and it's then that grief can make us better, for the future.

Good grief doesn't mean we don't hurt, or that there isn't a void.  It just means that we've learned to cope with the loss and learn from it.  Good grief just means that we hold dear the good times and memories and seek to create even more.  Good grief simply means that life goes on and that we chose to live on, even in the absence of that which we've lost.

"Rest in peace," to those that have gone on before me. "Live life to the fullest," to those that continue on with me.

The Ripple Effect

So today I suppose I will be selfish! This post is all about me!

This week, I decided to restart Couch to 5k program. Somehow, "Big Momma" swallowed "Foxy Brown" whole during this last pregnancy and I'm hoping to rescue her!

Admittedly, I am the first person to be an encourager to moms stressing over their body image and beating themselves up over weight gain.  I really don't think that "being skinny" is what every woman should strive for.  I think all women should strive to live happy, healthy lives not constantly pressuring themselves to be teenager thin/young. After all, the only alternative to aging is death and I for one, am not ready for that right now!

That being said, I am ready to get back to a picture of health and not feel like I'm oozing around daily from one spot to another.  Prior to this pregnancy, I was in the best shape of my adulthood. I was eating well, running regularly and physically in shape.  So, on Monday, "Operation Foxy Brown" was put back in motion.  With my six week postpartum check-up approval given, off I ran.  First, let me say that I was proud of how well I did having not run since I became pregnant. However, during my run, I noticed some physical changes that I loathe. . . I mean LOATHE!  Everything was jiggling and I mean everything.  I thought some parts were just supposed to be still! Geesh! I mean, I could feel the ripples in waves as I jiggled down the pavement!  This being even more motivation for me to push on. I found myself sore the next two days in some strange places. I made it through W1D1 and plan to keep on until I graduate this program in nine weeks.  My plan is to complete Couch to 5k, use Lose-it or MyFitnessPal to track my diet and eat sensibly! I'm making myself accountable by posting this, so stay tuned for my progress! Also, feel free to join me in my journey and we can keep each other motivated and accountable!

P.S. My fat hurts!!!!

Life . . .PRICELESS!

This week has been chaotic at best.  I have had so many reminders this week of just how precious life is.  Tuesday morning my day started off with the news of a family member's passing. Tuesday evening I was involved in an incident on the highway that could easily have cost me and my oldest Prince our lives. Wednesday afternoon I slipped and fell holding the Princess.

In the midst of all of that however, I witnessed a stranger come to my rescue at the risk of his own life.  I've awakened to the smiles of the cutest little chocolate Princess. I've been hugged and kissed numerous times by Prince Scholar, Prince Bossy Smurf, and Prince Mookie. I've shared tender moments with my King.  I have quiet time with The King and I even saw Princess Fly Away this week. All things that sometimes get taken for granted.

Every morning, as Prince Scholar is leaving for school I tell him, "I love you! Have a good day and make good choices! Follow Jesus and take no chances getting lost!" This morning, I said my usual but I suppose I didn't give it my all, because Prince Scholar replied, "Mom, you didn't say it with enthusiasm." I realized that indeed I lacked the enthusiasm I normally have and I repeated myself with the enthusiasm that normally sends my Prince along his day. 

I had to take a moment and remind myself that amidst the chaos and unexpected bumps along the way, that my life and the life of those I love is PRICELESS!

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES! FOLLOW JESUS AND TAKE NO CHANCES GETTING LOST!!!